Just lately I have had lots of dreams of being back at school and either being late for a lesson or not having my homework and getting in trouble. I have woken up on several mornings, feeling like I am in big trouble, with that sinking feeling of being the last person to walk into the classroom 20 minutes late! I can only imagine this is all to do with the fear I have of turning 30. Although I am not sure it is fear anymore just a massive reality check. I keep drifting off into daydreams of those days at school when everything was so easy and you have no responsibility. It got me thinking and I suddenly remembered that tucked away in my ‘big-red-box-of-crap’ I have a story that I wrote when I was 17 about the day I left home to go to college. It was a project set during my first year at college called ‘creative writing’. I as usual, left it until the very last minute to write and amazingly got a distinction for it…. it was, as it turns out the only distinction I ever got which is why i kept it safe! I have just sat reading it with tears in my eyes, realising how far I have come since that day and how much I have developed and grown in these 12 (nearly 13) years.  I wanted to scan it in and put it on here so you could see all the ‘red pen’ from my teacher but my scanner is having a tantrum so I have re typed it. Here it is….

Away from Home

Everything I have ever owned, ever collected and had as my own is at my feet. “Bye Bye darling, good luck” is what I can hear over and over, Good bye and good luck is all I have heard all week, “good luck, I’ll miss you”.

August 1996, Australia was amazing, four weeks of walking, sunbathing, eating and sleeping in one of the worlds most beautiful countries. Now I am back it means I have one week left. I try to convince myself that’s its real, that I’m really going away, I’m sure it will click soon.

Three days to go, everything is packed, everything except a few clothes, my black mascara, natural beige foundation, toothbrush and deoderant.

Two days to go, “I’ve bought you some pasta and sauce, 4 tins of baked beans, and some potatoes, oh and a jar of coffee”. Thanks Grandma.

It’s my last night, its here already, it hasn’t felt like I am actually going yet even after having a leaving party and endless good luck cards. I suppose I should be excited but for some reason I’m not. Maybe its because I don’t want to go, but i do, i think! Something is telling me not to think about it. If I think about it I will have to cry or something.

Everything was packed into the car by 10.30am, Mum had to be back by 4pm. I have my whole family waiting to wave goodbye. Dad gave me a pouch of tobacco and a big cuddle, I don’t cuddle him much it felt really nice, that was the first time I had cried about leaving. Next was my big brother, he is only 14 but he is bigger than me, he wasn’t crying but I am sure he wanted to. Jack and Sam are my little brothers six and nine. Sam had helped me pack my teddies, he didn’t really understand that I was going, neither did I really. I hugged them both and tried to tell them not to cry. I will be back for holidays I told them, it was so hard telling them not to cry when I was crying my eyes out.

It was time to go. Bye everyone, I love you all.

Mum couldn’t see out of her rear view mirror on the way there. We didn’t say much all the way, I didn’t know what to say. Someone was selling flowers outside their house for fifty pence a bunch, mum bought me two bunchs.

The sign read Ipswich 6 miles, mum was holding my hand. I love my mums hands, I always think about them, she wears a heart shaped diamond ring and my great grandma’s wedding ring. How am I going to live without my mum? I am only 17 years old, I am going to be in a four bedroom house on my own for 9 days, the other people that live there won’t be back till then and they don’t know I am going to be there. I have never been to Ipswich before, I don’t know the place or anyone in it. I feel sick I have never had such butterfly’s before.

The landlord was waiting for us to give me the key, “you can arrange the roon however you want to” he said “I will leave you to get settle in”.

We unloaded everything out of the car, walked in with my black bag full of teddies, I started to oppen the bag and all of a sudden felt really stupid. For some reason I did the bag back up and put it back in the car. Why did I do that I thought and went to get them back, i dont know why I am so worried about having teddies, It because when the other three people living here get back they will think I’m a kid, no that’s silly everyone has teddies, not that many though, I just took my two favourite.

I put the kettle on while mum carried on unloading the car and taking things upstairs. I had bought three new cups, they were metalic pink, gold and green.

The car was nearly empty now, all unpacked into my new room, the feeling is indescribable, emptiness, fear, anxiety just a complete feeling of loneliness. Mum stayed for as long as she could. I was trying to get her to stay longer I hated her for leaving I was so scared. I don’t think I have even hugged my for so long before, I didn’t want to be on my own, what would I do now? I couldn’t stop crying and hated seeing my mum cry. She got in the car and drove away. I stood and watched until the car was out of sight for ten minutes. I think I was hoping she would come back and take me home but she didn’t. This was it.. life starts here.

Everything I have ever owned, ever collected and had as my own is at my feet. “Bye Bye darling, good luck” is what I can hear over and over, Good bye and good luck is all I have heard all week, “good luck, I’ll miss you”.